As humans, we have come face to face with grief on different occasions in our lifetimes, a haunting constant in the sea of life’s changes. The labyrinth of grief is highly personal, haphazardly navigated, and, in essence, truly messy. On the other hand, toxic positivity’ presents an intriguing paradox, binding two seemingly disparate notions, positivity and toxicity.
Grief is not a neatly packaged parcel of emotions, nor is it meant to be. Nevertheless, toxic positivity is an overwhelming emphasis on a positive mindset, often, to the detriment of acknowledging real, raw feelings. Now, the juncture where grief, a complex and untidy emotion, meets toxic positivity, a form of forced cheerfulness, is a minefield of emotional conflict.
In this blog, we venture into this quagmire of grief and toxic positivity. We’ll introduce a comprehensive understanding of grief, followed by demystifying toxic positivity. A series of real-life examples will illustrate the two themes in daily life. We’ll dig deeper to understand the adverse effects of toxic positivity on grieving, the imperative of not sidestepping grief, and strategies to confront this positivity paradox in grief.
This blog strives to be your guide, in understanding and navigating the chaos that arises when grief becomes entwined with toxic positivity. So join us, as we step into the exploration of a crucial, but often misunderstood aspect of human emotional experience.
The Complexity of Grief: It’s Not a Straight Line
In our quest to comprehend grief, let’s establish a baseline. Grief, as we understand it, is a profound sense of loss, heartache or sorrow experienced following a significant loss. It could be the loss of a loved one, a job, or any monumental shift that disrupts the normalcy of our existence. While a simplistic definition, it scarcely scratches the surface of the true depth of grief.
For all the commonalities in human experience, grief presents itself as an astonishingly unique phenomenon. It’s akin to a fingerprint, distinct and singular for each person. Despite shared elements such as sadness or numbness, the manifestation, intensity, and duration of grief varies dramatically. For some, grief is a quietly enduring sadness; for others, it is an enveloping shroud of sorrow that transforms their reality.
Contrary to popular belief, grief is far from an orderly series of stages leading to the grail of ‘acceptance.’ In reality, it is a turbulent storm, a maelstrom of complex emotions that refuses to be boxed into neat categories.
One moment, grief may appear as profound sadness, the next, it can morph into aching guilt or boiling anger. Further, it extends its reach into our physical beings, instigating sleeplessness, forgetfulness, or exhaustion. This churning, shifting tide of emotions is often unexpected, catching us off guard and leaving us feeling as though we are on the brink of madness.
Indeed, grief is a wild beast, untamed by the conventions of ‘normal’ emotional progression. It is an emotional tsunami, unbidden and relentless, that can surge forth at any moment. Therein lies its chaotic nature, its messiness, which can be overwhelming and, at times, even terrifying. However, it is also a part of our human journey, a testament to our capacity for love, connection, and, ultimately, resilience.
What is Toxic Positivity
The Anatomy of Toxic Positivity
Let’s delve into a paradoxical phenomenon: toxic positivity. This concept isn’t about the sunshine-laden optimism that lightens our day. Rather, it refers to an extreme, a pressure to cloak ourselves in a costume of positivity, burying any negative emotions deep within.
Toxic positivity nudges us to stifle our genuine feelings, substituting them with a pasted-on smile, a mirage of unwavering cheerfulness. It invalidates human experiences and emotional authenticity, opening the gateways to potential trauma, isolation, and harmful coping mechanisms.
Not all Positivity is Toxic
Hold on, though! We must be clear that not all positivity wears a toxic cloak. Genuine optimism, and authentic cheerfulness, are invaluable traits that can indeed buffer life’s blows. Toxic positivity, however, is a distortion of these positive emotions, demanding they be ever-present and exclusive, effectively casting a shadow on our full range of human emotions.
The Surge of Toxic Positivity
In our contemporary world, we’re incessantly bombarded by “keep your chin up” and “look on the bright side” mantras. Yes, such sentiment intends to counteract the tsunami of negativity we encounter, particularly in the media landscape.
However, in steamrolling the diverse and, at times, painful human experiences, we risk causing more harm. The rise of toxic positivity, then, transforms an originally well-intentioned practice into a potential source of emotional invalidation, creating a whole new layer of trauma.
Examples of Toxic Positivity in Grief
The dance between toxic positivity in grief is a delicate one, weaving together seemingly incompatible threads of human experience. To illustrate this complex interplay, let us plunge into three distinct examples that encapsulate the unfortunate reality of toxic positivity in grief.
Unnatural Perception of Grief
Firstly, there’s the alarming misconception that grief is unnatural or wrong. The essence of toxic positivity plants this seed, urging us to eradicate the so-called abominable feeling of grief. This outlook implies that grief should be swiftly banished, cast away into an unreachable desert of forgotten emotions. However, it’s crucial to remember that grief is a part of our human experience, not an anomaly to be ostracized.
False Gratitude
In the face of loss, toxic positivity often masquerades as gratitude. The expectation that we should cloak our pain in a veneer of thankfulness, regardless of our genuine feelings, arises. It suggests that there’s no room for sorrow, only for appreciation of what remains. Yet, true gratitude isn’t about ignoring pain but acknowledging the full spectrum of our experiences, including grief.
Comparison Trap
The relentless urge to compare experiences, even ones as intimate as grief, is another manifestation of toxic positivity. This tendency pushes us to measure our grief against that of others, creating an unrealistic and unhealthy standard for ‘grief wellness.’ But grief is not a contest to be won. We must recognize that every individual’s experience with loss is unique and refrain from this damaging game of comparison.
By recognizing these instances of toxic positivity in grief, we can better equip ourselves to navigate the rough seas of loss in healthier ways, avoiding the potential pitfalls that these misconceptions present.
Impact of Toxic Positivity on Grieving
Navigating the tumultuous waves of grief is a challenge in itself. Adding the pressure of maintaining an unwavering positive outlook only serves to amplify the struggle.
Unintended Consequences of Forced Positivity
As the maelstrom of toxic positivity washes over the landscape of grief, it leaves in its wake a range of unintended damages. The insistence on maintaining a sunny disposition at all times creates an unrealistic expectation, one that is impossible to meet.
Positivity, while beneficial in many circumstances, isn’t a cloak that can blanket all emotions, especially grief. By insisting on its constant presence, we inevitably invite failure and shame, particularly among those grappling with their mental health. This could further intensify feelings of grief, making it even more difficult for individuals to find their way back towards a sense of equilibrium or ‘grief wellness.’
Pressure Cooker of Optimism
The pressure to persistently uphold an optimistic mindset during times of loss can lead to self-blame. An individual may end up thinking that they are at fault for the negativity befalling them simply because they could not maintain the ‘supposed’ positive outlook.
Remember that life is a delicate balance between the positives and negatives, the joys and sorrows. Presence of negative emotions isn’t an indication of failure but a testament to the richness of the human experience. Pain of loss is as much a part of life as the joy of gain. Recognizing this can pave the way for healthy ways to grieve, free from the shackles of toxic positivity.
Importance of Not Avoiding Grief
Wading through grief is often likened to traversing an untamed forest, and like any journey, it’s crucial not to dodge the path, however treacherous it may appear. Whether it is anticipatory grief or old but still painful loss, these emotions should be felt and dealt with.
Giving Permission to Experience Grief
It is paramount to grant oneself the liberty to feel grief. The notion of hard emotions being perilous is a myth that needs to be dismantled. Crying, screaming, and venting are all forms of expressing pain, and it’s okay to indulge in them. They are not signs of weakness but indicators of your resilience, your capacity to endure. Recognizing this is the first step towards bolstering your ability to navigate these complex feelings.
Pitfalls of Dodging Grief
Avoidance behavior in grief, while tempting and seemingly beneficial in the short-term, often manifests itself into an insidious pattern, inhibiting personal healing. Despite initial relief, evading grief may lead to a shrinking world, making life more complicated and smaller. This behavior can strain relationships, hinder the fulfillment of roles as a parent, spouse, or friend, and obstruct the path to becoming the person you aspire to be.
Practical Tips to Not Shun Grief
Learning to face grief without judgment is essential: Ditch the internal commentary saying “I should be over this by now” or “this shouldn’t be so hard”. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and there are no “shoulds”. Emotions are neither good nor bad; they simply exist.
Being aware of your avoidance tactics of toxic positivty and grief iskey: Identify what you are avoiding and how you’re doing so. Not all forms of avoidance are harmful; sometimes, they offer temporary relief from grief. However, ensuring that you’re not always evading reminders of your loss is vital.
Discover how to self-soothe: This means learning how to comfort yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed. This is crucial if you’re seeking to break chronic avoidance patterns and actually feel those grief feelings.
Avoiding grief may seem like an easy escape route, but it only offers a temporary solution. Instead of pushing away the pain, embrace it. It’s in confronting the discomfort that one finds the path to healing and ‘grief wellness’.
How to Deal with Toxic Positivity in Grief
When grief comes calling, it’s not all about rainbows and butterflies; and that’s perfectly fine.
Awareness: The First Line of Defense
Spotting toxic positivity is the first rung on the ladder to dealing with it. Initially, it might be elusive, cloaked under well-meaning phrases like “Always look on the bright side,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” However, with time, its patterns become more discernible, allowing you to distance yourself from its pressure.
Embracing Imperfection
Toxic positivity often goes hand in hand with perfectionism. Feeling the need to radiate positivity incessantly might seem beneficial if one is striving for perfection. Remember, though, no one is flawless. Realize that there are invaluable lessons to be gleaned from failure, and the quest for perfection often robs you of the joy in the present.
Navigating the Gray Area
A characteristic of toxic positivity is black and white thinking, a rigid categorization of good versus bad, success versus failure, or happiness versus sadness. However, life is not as straightforward. There are numerous shades of gray in between these extremes, which often hold the real story. Embracing this gray area allows for a more nuanced understanding of life’s events, steering clear of the trap of toxic positivity.
Feeling discomfort in grief is natural, and acknowledging it is healthier than sugarcoating it with forced positivity. As uncomfortable as it may be, remember that it too shall pass. Seeking professional help, like talk therapy or support groups, can be effective tools to navigate through these trying times.
The key is not to avoid or replace grief with toxic positivity but to lean into it, allowing for healthy ways to grieve, thereby promoting grief wellness.
Toxic positivity and grief
Finally, let’s remember that grief is human. It is not a problem to be fixed or a condition to be cured. As we step out from the quagmire of toxic positivity and grief, it’s essential to honor our individual journeys. Acknowledging and expressing grief in healthy ways, instead of avoiding grief or masking it with enforced positivity, paves the path toward true emotional wellness.
