Christmas is built around togetherness, which is exactly why it can hurt so much when someone you love has died. The decorations, the songs and the empty seat can all bring the loss into sharp focus. This guide offers gentle, practical ways to get through the season, to keep your loved one part of it, and to support someone else who is grieving. Take what helps and leave the rest: there is no right way to do Christmas while you grieve.
On this page:
- Why Christmas can feel so hard
- Plan ahead, gently
- Keep, change or pause your traditions
- 12 ways to remember a loved one at Christmas
- The first Christmas without them
- Helping children through Christmas
- What to say to someone grieving at Christmas
- When to look for extra support
- Questions people ask
- A final word
Why Christmas can feel so hard
Holidays are full of rituals that once included the person who died: the way they carved the turkey, the ornament they always hung, the phone call on Christmas morning. When those moments arrive without them, the absence can feel louder than on an ordinary day. Many people also feel pressure to look cheerful for others.
The build-up to Christmas can be difficult in its own right. Writing for Marie Curie, bereavement support coordinator Jane Murray describes people she has supported who found the anticipation harder than Christmas Day itself. That will not be everyone’s experience, but making flexible plans may help you approach the day.
Grief can feel different from one Christmas to the next. Sadness, numbness, guilt or relief can occur after a death, and enjoying a moment does not mean you have forgotten someone. You do not have to feel cheerful because it is Christmas.
Plan ahead, gently
You do not need a perfect plan, but a few decisions made in advance can make the season feel less overwhelming:
- Decide where you want to be on the day. At home, with family, with one close friend, or somewhere new. All of these are valid choices.
- Have a plan B. Agree in advance that you can arrive late, leave early or step outside for a while, and tell one person you trust so you do not have to explain on the day.
- Tell people what you need. A short message such as “I’d like to talk about Mom at dinner” or “Please don’t be surprised if I need a quiet moment” saves guessing on both sides.
- Share the jobs. Let others take on the shopping, cooking or decorating, especially the tasks your loved one used to do.
- Cards are optional. You do not have to send Christmas cards this year. You could ask a family member to let people know.
- Look after the basics. Try to make room for regular meals, rest and some movement or fresh air if you can. Ask someone you trust for practical help when these things feel difficult.
The same ideas apply to Thanksgiving, New Year and other holidays that bring families together.
Keep, change or pause your traditions
There are three gentle options for each tradition, and you can choose differently for each one:
- Keep it, perhaps with help, if it brings comfort. Making their favorite dessert or watching the film they always chose can feel like spending time with them.
- Change it if the old version feels too painful. Eat at a different time, go out instead of hosting, or open presents at someone else’s home.
- Pause it this year. Skipping the big tree or the party is not a failure, and you can bring traditions back later.
You might also start a new tradition in their memory, such as a walk on Christmas morning to a place they loved. Families often find that a new ritual gives everyone a shared way to include the person who died.
12 ways to remember a loved one at Christmas
- Light a candle at dinner or on Christmas Eve, and invite each person to say their name or share a memory.
- Hang a memorial Christmas ornament, such as one with their photo, their handwriting or a small piece of their clothing.
- Fill a memory stocking. Hang their stocking and ask family members to write notes or memories to put inside, then read them together.
- Cook their recipe. Make the dish they were known for and tell the story behind it.
- Keep a place for them at the table with a candle, a flower or their photo, if that feels comforting rather than painful.
- Play their favorite songs. If you are looking for ideas, our list of songs about loss and grief may help.
- Give in their name. Donate to a cause they cared about, or buy a gift they would have chosen for someone who needs it.
- Write them a letter or a Christmas card, and keep it, read it aloud or place it at the grave.
- Visit a meaningful place, such as the grave, the beach where you scattered ashes or the park they loved.
- Start a memory jar. Leave slips of paper out through December and read the memories together on Christmas Day.
- Look through photos or old Christmas videos, if and when you feel ready.
- Volunteer at a food bank or shelter in their honor, if giving back is something they valued.
For more ideas that work all year round, see our guide to meaningful ways to honor their memory.
The first Christmas without them
The first Christmas after a death often brings a lot of “firsts” at once: the first time writing cards without their name, the first time choosing gifts without them, the first family meal with an empty chair. If you are missing your mom or dad at Christmas, a familiar recipe, decoration, joke or phone-call routine may bring their absence into focus. What matters is the particular relationship you shared, rather than how someone else expects you to remember them.
Some things that may help in the first year:
- Lower your expectations. Getting through the day is enough.
- Choose one or two ways to remember them rather than trying to mark every moment.
- Let yourself laugh when something is funny. Enjoying a moment does not mean you miss them any less.
- Plan something simple for the days after Christmas, when the quiet can feel heavy.
Grief does not follow a set timetable, and everyone experiences it differently. Be patient with yourself and with the people around you, who may be grieving in a different way from you.
Helping children through Christmas
Children grieve too, even when they still look forward to presents and parties. That mix is normal. It can help to:
- Use simple, honest words about the person who died and say their name.
- Explain any changes to Christmas plans in advance, so the day holds fewer surprises.
- Offer a choice about remembering, such as making an ornament, choosing a song or adding a note to a memory stocking. Let them decline or change their mind.
- Let them enjoy the fun parts without feeling guilty.
You can find more guidance on making plans with children in Child Bereavement UK’s Christmas advice.
What to say to someone grieving at Christmas
Many people worry about saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all. A short, sincere message can show that you are thinking of them without expecting a reply. The UK bereavement charity Cruse suggests mentioning the person by name, acknowledging that this Christmas may feel different, and offering specific help rather than a general “let me know if you need anything.”
Helpful things to do:
- Say the name of the person who died, and share a memory of them if you have one.
- Acknowledge that the season may be hard without assuming how they feel.
- Make a specific offer, such as “Can I drop off dinner on the 23rd?” and then follow through.
- Invite them, and make it easy to say no or to leave early.
- Check in again after Christmas, when many people feel most alone.
Things to avoid:
- Pressuring them to feel cheerful or celebrate. Follow their lead about greetings such as “Merry Christmas.”
- Telling them how they should feel, or that they should be “moving on.”
- Vague offers that leave all the asking to them.
Christmas card messages for someone who is grieving
Adapt these examples to your relationship. Use only memories and details that are true, and make offers of help you can follow through on. Replace [name] with the person’s name.
- “Thinking of you this Christmas, and remembering [name] with love.”
- “This Christmas may feel very different. We’re sending you love and holding [name] in our hearts.”
- “We’ll really miss [name] this year, and we can only imagine how much you will. We’re here for you.”
- “Wishing you moments of peace this Christmas. [Name] will always be part of our celebrations.”
- “No need to reply. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and remembering [name].”
- “Christmas won’t be the same without [name]. I’d love to hear your favorite stories about them whenever you feel like sharing them.”
- “Your mom made every Christmas special. Sending you love as you face this first one without her.”
- “Thinking of you and your family as you remember your dad this Christmas.”
- “Gentle wishes for a peaceful Christmas, and a hug for the days that feel hardest.”
- “We’re thinking of you this Christmas. Can we bring dinner over one evening next week?”
- “Praying for comfort and peace for you this Christmas, and giving thanks for [name]’s life.” (for someone who shares your faith)
- “There are no right words, but I wanted you to know you’re not alone this Christmas.”
For more wording ideas, see our guides to what to write in a sympathy card and comforting words for someone who is mourning.
Instead of “Merry Christmas”
If “Merry Christmas” feels wrong, you could say “Thinking of you this Christmas,” “Wishing you a peaceful Christmas,” or simply “I’m here if you want to talk.” Acknowledging their feelings without forcing cheerfulness is usually what matters most. Our guide to supporting a grieving friend has more practical ideas.
When to look for extra support
You can ask for support at any point; you do not need to wait until grief becomes unbearable. Consider talking with a doctor, grief counselor or bereavement support group if you are struggling to cope, everyday tasks feel unmanageable, or you are relying on alcohol or other substances to get through the day. A local hospice may also be able to suggest bereavement services.
For bereavement support in the UK, Cruse Bereavement Support offers a free helpline on 0808 808 1677 during its published opening hours. Check its website for current hours and holiday arrangements.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, in the US you can call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In the UK and Ireland, you can call Samaritans on 116 123. Both services are free and available 24 hours a day. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
Questions people ask
Is it normal to dread Christmas after someone dies?
Yes, Christmas can bring painful reminders and uncertainty after a death. Some people find the anticipation especially difficult; others find the day itself harder. A flexible plan, including permission to change your mind, may help.
Is it okay to skip Christmas this year?
Yes. You can scale Christmas down, celebrate somewhere different or skip parts of it altogether. Traditions can return in a later year when you feel ready.
How do I remember my mom or dad at Christmas?
Choose something small that fits who they were: cook their recipe, hang an ornament in their memory, light a candle at dinner or share stories about them. There are more ideas in the list above.
How do I say Merry Christmas to someone who is grieving?
You can soften the greeting, for example “Thinking of you this Christmas” or “Wishing you a peaceful Christmas,” and mention the person who died by name. See the card messages above for more examples.
A final word
There is no right way to spend Christmas while you are grieving. Some years you may want every tradition, and some years you may want none of them. Whatever you choose, be gentle with yourself. The love you feel for the person you miss is part of the season too.
If you are looking for a lasting way to keep someone close, some families choose cremation diamonds made from a small amount of ashes or hair.
